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Petit soleil noir

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(JPEG) Petit réveil ensoleillé en cette fin de matinée. Un soleil rouge. J’aimerais qu’il me transperce l’esprit avec ses rayons. Les nuages sombres dans ma tête, sont persistants, et c’est franchement désagréable. Ca rend difficile la volonté de faire quoique ce soit. Et même, ça invite plutôt à se rendormir. Et puis, j’ai la tête envahie par des âpres idées de suicide. C’est extrêmement contrariant. Ca rend le désir de vivre plus difficile encore qu’il ne l’est déjà. Et dans ces moments là, j’ai une grosse tendance à m’enfermer, ne plus voir personne.

Ce qui, évidemment, renforce l’idée d’en finir.

Bref, marre de nager dans des eaux si épaisses qu’elles ne laissent pas filtrer les rayons du soleil de l’espoir. Et certainement, la solitude y joue un rôle essentiel. D’ailleurs, je remarque qu’avec l’âge, je deviens de plus en plus misanthrope. C’est le coup du serpent qui se mord la queue.

La solitude finit par provoquer la misanthropie, et la misanthropie renforce la solitude.

Évidemment, je me doute que, si je rencontrais une compagne, tout irait mieux, y compris la perspective de me soigner. Mais la solitude éloigne d’une telle possible rencontre. La solitude n’est pas une situation engageante, mais suspicieuse.

Nous sommes abreuvés de la société du spectacle, et une rencontre n’échappe pas à ce phénomène.

Un homme, surtout lorsqu’il est très seul, doit séduire pour espérer rencontrer. Ce rapport à la séduction me déplaît terriblement jusqu’à la colère. Mais, je ne peux l’éviter au risque de me renfermer encore plus violemment.

Et finalement, c’est avec un sentiment d’échec que je me réveille le matin.

Un fort sentiment d’échec.

Le soleil qui éclabousse le ciel, n’arrive pas à percer mon nuage noir, trop épais d’une écume accumulée par le vide constant. Parfois, j’ai envie de faire un bon mélange d’alcool et d’héroïne, m’allonger habillé de ma plus belle robe, et me laisser envelopper d’un soleil noir jusqu’à ne plus me réveiller. Je n’arrive plus à trouver une bonne raison, une raison forte, puissante, d’être enthousiaste à vivre. Et puis, j’ai une douleur persistante vers la région d’un rein.

Rire.

Rire d’une vie finalement gâchée, puisque, de toute façon, pour le moment en tous les cas, toute révolte est arrêtée. Hors, mon seul espoir, espoir profond, se trouve dans la révolte.

A défaut, il reste le parti d’en rire.

Come back ; la vie, j’en ai marre, mais marre, mais marre... Marre de tout. Marre de n’importe quoi.

Le soleil ne me réchauffe pas. Lorsque quelqu’un me parle, je l’entends comme en différé. Je vois le mouvement de ses lèvres, et le son me parvient juste après, comme en écho.

Qui est où ?

Je pose cette question en hurlant. Il n’y a que du vide autour de moi. Mais, peut-être ne suis-je que ce vide... Ah, si j’étais vraiment ce vide que je ressens... Si j’étais seulement ce quelque chose.... Mais, je sais trop combien je ne suis rien.

Je suis entouré de l’inutile qui rompt les liens que j’essaie d’établir, pour rien, évidemment. L’inutile, c’est tout le monde, l’entièreté du monde, ce monde effrayant par son acceptation sans discussion.

-  Alors, que devrais-je dire, que devrais-je faire, que devrais-je écrire ? Calmer les consciences, c’est-à-dire ne pas me dire ?

Mais que puis-je faire d’un tel calme ?



Publié le 24 février 2008  par Gilles Delcuse


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      Bruler les livres ! On a encore trouvé mieux : dire qu’on est pas habilité de les écrire, brûler la pensée avant qu’elle n’éclose.

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